When someone cries in a difficult conversation, it’s awkward.
In my experience, most of us will be unsure as to what to do and feel guilty because we’ve apparently driven them to tears. People may cry in such situations for various reasons:
• They’re upset at what they’re hearing
• From the unexpected shock of hearing what they’re hearing
• They’ve never been challenged or talked to about this before
• It’s a learned behaviour or strategy for ending conversations (consciously or not).
• The issue is finally out in the open and fully acknowledged
I’m sure you can think of more.
Laying the groundwork
If we act guilty, annoyed (‘They always cry!’) or surprised when the other person cries, we’ll often hurry to end the conversation. Choosing to end the conversation isn’t a preferred option of mine, however, since it essentially tells someone that if they cry, the conversation will stop. That’s not a message you want to give, or a behaviour you want to reinforce.
Instead, give them some tissues and let them ‘cry it out’. Not out of spite or cruelty, but so that they can have some space in the conversation to get their emotion out. If appropriate, gently ask if they would like to share what it is that’s made them cry. Offer to retrieve some tissues or water – this will give you both a bit of space by taking you out of the room for a few moments, while demonstrating a deep level of care.
The latter set of responses will accomplish two things. First, they lay the groundwork for a more useful conversation once the person is ready, since you’ve already accomplished the hard part by raising the issue in the first place. Stick with it, and things will only get easier from there.
Secondly, you won’t be creating or reinforcing negative associations between them crying and the outcome of your interactions (‘If you cry, this conversation will stop.’) If their crying is so bad that communication become all but impossible, perhaps offer to postpone the meeting. Only do this once you’ve sat and held the space for a while, and can be sure that there’s no way of continuing the conversation here and now.
In control
If you do offer to postpone the meeting, be sure to arrange a date and time. If they’re too fragile to do so there and then, provide a time frame such as ‘Before the end of the week’. I’ve purposefully used the word ‘offer’, as they should be the ones to choose – continue now, or resume within the time frame suggested? This way, you’re letting them play a part in shaping what happens next, thus giving them a greater feeling of control and participation.
It can be uncomfortable, but we should be okay with crying. That’s not to say that you should be coldly indifferent, but rather accepting of it as something that simply happens. Try to convey the soothing message that ‘It’s okay – we can work through this.’ It’s often the case that crying can, in fact, be the best release for a person, allowing you to help them move forward the issue responsible for their tears in the first instance.
Sonia Gill is founder of the consultancy Heads Up, which specialises in making schools outstanding; the themes discussed here can be explored further in Heads Up’s own ‘choose your own adventure’ book for headteachers
