During my 30-year career working in schools, (from teacher to headteacher), I have had many conversations with parents concerning the behaviour of their offspring.
Some of these conversations have been very positive; I’ve loved sending emails, or making phone calls home, when a child has impressed us with their conduct, not just with their learning. However, I have had my fair share of conversations with parents when I have had less positive news about how their sons or daughters have reacted in school.
I fully understand why some parents can be defensive in this situation. They may feel their parenting is being in some way criticised. Or it may simply be that their love for their child leads them automatically to try to find excuses for behaviour that doesn’t meet our expectations.
How to approach the subject
There are several strategies I remember using when talking to parents about pupils’ behaviour.
If the parents were unhappy about how the school had dealt with a behaviour incident involving their child, I always invited them in to talk to me, and I started by saying, “I’m sorry if you don’t agree with the decisions we’ve taken, but I’m pleased we’re having this conversation. Please tell me what you’re thinking and feeling.” And I would listen, without interruption, to all they had to say.
Once they’d finished, I would then explain our perspective, and the reasons behind any steps we had taken. If they tried to interrupt before I got to the end I’d point out (calmly) that I hadn’t interrupted them, and I needed them not to interrupt me, but promised we would discuss it all after I’d said what I needed to say. I found this usually defused the tension and allowed us all to explain our point of view.
Pointing out the bigger picture
I’ve also said to disgruntled parents, “I recognise your child is the most important thing to you, and that’s just as it should be, and I care about them too. But I also care about every other child in the school, and that gives me a wider perspective. I need you to trust my professional judgement on this.”
Thinking again
I strongly believe that we have to find a way forward which demonstrates clearly that we are all on the child’s side.
Encouraging each individual to take responsibility for their actions, to learn from their mistakes, to apologise if they have got something wrong, and to determine to do better next time, is a crucial part of their education. What do we model if we only try to defend those we care about?
Just as a good friend tells you (sensitively and kindly) the truth, rather than agreeing with everything you say and do, a good school, and a responsible parent, work together to support the child as they grow into adulthood.
Jill Berry is a former headteacher, and is now a leadership development consultant.
